Springdresses

there's something wrong with me. my gut clenches up, my throat closes, i lose words and thoughts and touch. i feel tired, and tried.

i really need somebody to talk to, but most of the time, i listen. i feel as if i'm too selfish, too focused on my own problems. i try to open up to my closest friends, but i can't find the right words to say, and i stop in midconversation to say, "i'll talk to you later" and then not bring up the subject again. for days afterwards, i'll try to talk to them about other things, and inside, i feel as if they're judging me either for talking or not talking. i just can't win.

i wish i could talk to my parents, but they're just children. my father's whole life consists of his business, which is flailing right now. he is a fish out of water, always pissing people off, always forgetting about things that have happened, always forgetting my name. i know it might be such a little thing to get mad about, but for once, i'd like to hear him call me by the right name. the only other daughter he has is my sister, and she's 9. how can he confuse her with me and me with her? it's ridiculous.

and my mother, my mother.

she shows no compassion, no emotion towards her own family, and then expect us to comfort her, to understand what she's going through, to drop everything and wait on her, wait up for her, wait all night for her. and guess what-- i'm tired of waiting. i'm the one trying to talk, trying to explain, making sure she's comfortable, making sure she enjoys spending time with her family, making sure she's actually listening to me when i'm asking her a question. making sure she buys food.

i love my grandmother. she's strong and powerful. my grandfather is two men in one person. when i look at them, i wonder how they could have brought someone like my father into this world.

i wonder if i'm related to my parents at all.

sometimes i feel so in tune to my own feelings, and other times, i feel so lost. i don't know why i feel this way, i wish i didn't, i wish i could be happy all of the time. and people assume i am happy. i don't know why, but i'm the "happy one".

i try so hard to be happy and perfect.